i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
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My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing