Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
You Might Also Like
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*