Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
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Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
two people or more is called a problem
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
i think both sides are to blame here
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.