ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
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One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
Breaking news:
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
Siri, fight Alexa.
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.