When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
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You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
This is hilarious….
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.