Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
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i’ve found my new favorite subculture
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
car not found
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!