[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
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pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before