Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
You Might Also Like
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog