I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
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My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
mood
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
shampoo implies shampee
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.