If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
You Might Also Like
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.