[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
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Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke