Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
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Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.