Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
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I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
These are too funny not to post 😂
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.