Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
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Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.