[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
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They did not think through this water fountain
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.