“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
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my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
channeling her this year
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard