A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
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I can’t believe people think eggplant is real.
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.