Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
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Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
back to work
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.