Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
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I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.