[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
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This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
Happy Taco Tuesday
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.