Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
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Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD