This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
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“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.