Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
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Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.