[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
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My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late