You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
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Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.