Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
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got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.