High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
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the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours