I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
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Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
Tony Hawk, age 6
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?