Feels like the fourth month in January
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[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.