Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
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The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
“I wouldn’t.”