Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
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Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
Not to brag but a guy I made out with in 8th grade just wished me a happy birthday on Facebook and asked me to subscribe to his YouTube channel 🤩
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape