My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
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Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT