The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
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People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.