Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
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Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
Feels like there should be a middle ground
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine