Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
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Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
Love triangle? You mean this Dorito?
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”