Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
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The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
only 11 steps left
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?