This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
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Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
me refusing to leave twitter
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments