Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
You Might Also Like
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.