Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
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British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”