Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
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For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
worst…sale…ever
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!