[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
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I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
My 4yo niece: do you have a girlfriend?
Me: no
Niece: a boyfriend?
Me: no
[pause]Niece: do you have a friend?
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will