[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
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me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.