What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
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My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*