My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
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Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*