Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
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Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.