Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
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Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
There are no pants in heaven.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
do you like subpoena coladas?
and getting caught and arraigned?
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.