me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
You Might Also Like
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
Catering service
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.