I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
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WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.