Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
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My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.