[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
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Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
I hope google does well on my son’s test
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.